Sunday, September 03, 2006

Daniel Perez of the Terminator Fame

Like Gene Ray of the Time Cube fame, there once was an absolutely hilarious kook site out there written by one Daniel Lee Perez, called t3armageddon.com. Last time I checked, there was nothing there, but I have to say it was some of the funniest stuff I've ever read. However, one can find a lot of his stuff at archive.org.

http://web.archive.org/web/20001009174731/www.
geocities.com/Hollywood/2900/index.html


and

http://web.archive.org/web/20030805014651/www.
t3armageddon.com/conspira.html


Notice how he has quotes of himself on his pages. Here is one which stands out as particularly hilarious.

Conspiracy Theories are as American as Mom, the Flag and Apple Pie - Daniel Perez

Here is a counter-quote of my own...

I am so damn important that I have to quote myself! - Sprogoloficus Van Dickinyde

Unfortunately, much of the fun material isn't available for viewing anymore so you may not appreciate the amusement he brought the web community with his ongoing battle against the dark forces of Hollywood to have his amateurish script made into Terminator 3 - Armageddon. I came across his 'work' sometime in 1996, typing 'Terminator 3' into one of the early search engines. I was a newbie to the net so I actually spent the time reading his script. At the end of it I couldn't believe that I had wasted valuable minutes of my life reading it. It was terrible. I wrote as much on his guestbook.

Time wore on, and newer updated drafts were placed on the net, each just as silly as the last. The page also blossomed from a mildly nutty HTML joke to an unbelievable festival of madness, obsession and poorly drawn web art. Flashing screens would dazzle your eyes with statements to the effect of 'YOUR MIND IS BEING UPLOADED!' and 'PREPARE FOR THY DOOM!' - statements of that variety. I'm sure kids everywhere had epileptic seizures just at that little intro sequence. I had seizures of laughter all the way through every page.

The page was divided into sections, and each section could be accessed though 'buttons' on a very badly drawn 'computer' (see for yourself). You could laugh at his script, but that was just the beginning. Infact, if the site had nothing more than the script posted, it would not have received nearly as many hits as it did (although how many hits it actually received is debatable as Mr. Perez changed the counter from time to time, perhaps to cunningly fool Hollywood as to the scripts popularity). The fun came from his raving and ranting, and the guestbook comments which people left for him. Sadly, the guestbook is no longer available for viewing but the commentary was absolutely hilarious! I wonder if he actually read them.

Hitting the 'EXPLAIN' button led you to an immensely long, self-obsessed text larger than any yet produced by any blogger anywhere I know of. Daniel refers to himself in the third person yet again as D. L. P. (what a great trade name, Dan! You sounded like one of the real pros!). He sites with his insight into B grade time travel stories how a third movie could be made. In essence, it's the sort of argument my friends young kids came up with - 'If Skynet gotted killed by Sarah Connor in der past, den it diddint eckzist in der future to go and kill Sarah Connor so she couldn't know abbowt it!'. But that isn't such a big deal - the IMDB is the Internet dustbin for shit like that.

The fun begins when he speaks about how he started harassing James Cameron (director of the first two movies) and eventually is told to cease and desist. This 'crushes' him and people start flaming him (a great read if you want to experience a bit of
schadenfreude). At one point he is sent some mail, obviously by accident by someone from Lightstorm Entertainment which he states 'subconsciously affected him', encouraging him to buy an Apple Mac to write his crappy script on.

I could spend hours and hours writing about the fun of his old site, but would not have the room. However, I will mention the 'HUMOUR' section. In it is a link to a Terminator 3 Macarena parody, written by, yes, Daniel Perez (referred to in the third person again). In true Internet nut fashion, he marks his scent.

Written by Daniel Perez
Copyright -- October 24th, 1996

Don't want this work of genius to be stolen do we! After all, look at some of the lines in this comedic gem...

I was crushed by Sarah Connor
I came back in the next movie

A good cyborg
Made this way
with the help of James Cameron

and

Daniel Perez will help the Terminator
he wrote Terminator 3 Armageddon
he put it on the Net
and now everyone sees it.

and

The old draft includes the Terminator
and the new script is a lot better
more excitement
more paranoid
Hollywood can't ignore it.
it's coming on all fronts
There's no fate but what we make for ourselves

and finally...

Sent back in time cause he's a Terminator
On a mission to help Dan Perez
Sent back in time cause he's a Termianator
Ehhhh, Terminator

It goes on and on like this. He copyrighted this shit?!? It doesn't even go with the rhythm of the old tune. Fortunately for those who like to laugh at the intellectual misfortunes of others, it is archived at...

http://web.archive.org/web/20030921163738/
www.t3armageddon.com/termmaca.html

Isn't it sad that the actual Terminator 3 was worse than the script by 'D. L. P.'? Predictably enough, Daniel has posted his intent on suing just about everybody involved in the Terminator franchise for plagiarism on the hunt for billions of dollars. You can find it around the net.

I won't even begin with his looney conspiracy theories. If you have the time and patience, read them. And if you really want to scramble your brain, read his Middle East Peace Plan!

I'd love to know what he is doing now. Anyone know, leave a comment!

ADDITION September 14th

I have found a URL with all the DLP Terminator material, even the guestbook.

Click here to read.

2 Comments:

At 12:48 AM, Anonymous lebsoljah said...

lolllllllll I remember that side

 
At 9:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the link, archive.org is missing a lot. One of the first sites I seen as a kid with dial-up for the 1st time.

 

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